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WilliamWilson
Whatsayofit?whatsayofCONSCIENCEgrim,
Thatspectreinmypath?
Chamberlayne'sPharronida.
LETmecallmyself,forthepresent,WilliamWilson.Thefairpagenowlyingbeforemeneednotbesulliedwithmyrealappellation.Thishasbeenalreadytoomuchanobjectforthescorn——forthehorror——forthedetestationofmyrace.Totheuttermostregionsoftheglobehavenottheindignantwindsbruiteditsunparalleledinfamy?Oh,outcastofalloutcastsmostabandoned!——totheearthartthounotforeverdead?toitshonors,toitsflowers,toitsgoldenaspirations?——andacloud,dense,dismal,andlimitless,doesitnothangeternallybetweenthyhopesandheaven?
Iwouldnot,ifIcould,hereorto-day,embodyarecordofmylateryearsofunspeakablemisery,andunpardonablecrime.Thisepoch——theselateryears——tookuntothemselvesasuddenelevationinturpitude,whoseoriginaloneitismypresentpurposetoassign.Menusuallygrowbasebydegrees.Fromme,inaninstant,allvirtuedroppedbodilyasamantle.FromcomparativelytrivialwickednessIpassed,withthestrideofagiant,intomorethantheenormitiesofanElah-Gabalus.Whatchance——whatoneeventbroughtthisevilthingtopass,bearwithmewhileIrelate.Deathapproaches;andtheshadowwhichforerunshimhasthrownasofteninginfluenceovermyspirit.Ilong,inpassingthroughthedimvalley,forthesympathy——Ihadnearlysaidforthepity——ofmyfellowmen.IwouldfainhavethembelievethatIhavebeen,insomemeasure,theslaveofcircumstancesbeyondhumancontrol.Iwouldwishthemtoseekoutforme,inthedetailsIamabouttogive,somelittleoasisoffatalityamidawildernessoferror.Iwouldhavethemallow——whattheycannotrefrainfromallowing——that,althoughtemptationmayhaveerewhileexistedasgreat,manwasneverthus,atleast,temptedbefore——certainly,neverthusfell.Andisitthereforethathehasneverthussuffered?HaveInotindeedbeenlivinginadream?AndamInotnowdyingavictimtothehorrorandthemysteryofthewildestofallsublunaryvisions?
Iamthedescendantofaracewhoseimaginativeandeasilyexcitabletemperamenthasatalltimesrenderedthemremarkable;and,inmyearliestinfancy,Igaveevidenceofhavingfullyinheritedthefamilycharacter.AsIadvancedinyearsitwasmorestronglydeveloped;becoming,formanyreasons,acauseofseriousdisquietudetomyfriends,andofpositiveinjurytomyself.Igrewself-willed,addictedtothewildestcaprices,andapreytothemostungovernablepassions.Weak-minded,andbesetwithconstitutionalinfirmitiesakintomyown,myparentscoulddobutlittletochecktheevilpropensitieswhichdistinguishedme.Somefeebleandill-directedeffortsresultedincompletefailureontheirpart,and,ofcourse,intotaltriumphonmine.Thenceforwardmyvoicewasahouseholdlaw;andatanagewhenfewchildrenhaveabandonedtheirleading-strings,Iwaslefttotheguidanceofmyownwill,andbecame,inallbutname,themasterofmyownactions.
Myearliestrecollectionsofaschool-life,areconnectedwithalarge,rambling,Elizabethanhouse,inamisty-lookingvillageofEngland,wherewereavastnumberofgiganticandgnarledtrees,andwhereallthehouseswereexcessivelyancient.Intruth,itwasadream-likeandspirit-soothingplace,thatvenerableoldtown.Atthismoment,infancy,Ifeeltherefreshingchillinessofitsdeeply-shadowedavenues,inhalethefragranceofitsthousandshrubberies,andthrillanewwithundefinabledelight,atthedeephollownoteofthechurch-bell,breaking,eachhour,withsullenandsuddenroar,uponthestillnessoftheduskyatmosphereinwhichthefrettedGothicsteeplelayimbeddedandasleep.
Itgivesme,perhaps,asmuchofpleasureasIcannowinanymannerexperience,todwelluponminuterecollectionsoftheschoolanditsconcerns.SteepedinmiseryasIam——misery,alas!onlytooreal——Ishallbepardonedforseekingrelief,howeverslightandtemporary,intheweaknessofafewramblingdetails.These,moreover,utterlytrivial,andevenridiculousinthemselves,assume,tomyfancy,adventitiousimportance,asconnectedwithaperiodandalocalitywhenandwhereIrecognisethefirstambiguousmonitionsofthedestinywhichafterwardssofullyovershadowedme.Letmethenremember.
Thehouse,Ihavesaid,wasoldandirregular.Thegroundswereextensive,andahighandsolidbrickwall,toppedwithabedofmortarandbrokenglass,encompassedthewhole.Thisprison-likerampartformedthelimitofourdomain;beyonditwesawbutthriceaweek——onceeverySaturdayafternoon,when,attendedbytwoushers,wewerepermittedtotakebriefwalksinabodythroughsomeoftheneighbouringfields——andtwiceduringSunday,whenwewereparadedinthesameformalmannertothemorningandeveningserviceintheonechurchofthevillage.Ofthischurchtheprincipalofourschoolwaspastor.WithhowdeepaspiritofwonderandperplexitywasIwonttoregardhimfromourremotepewinthegallery,as,withstepsolemnandslow,heascendedthepulpit!Thisreverendman,withcountenancesodemurelybenign,withrobessoglossyandsoclericallyflowing,withwigsominutelypowdered,sorigidandsovast,——couldthisbehewho,oflate,withsourvisage,andinsnuffyhabiliments,administered,feruleinhand,theDraconianlawsoftheacademy?Oh,giganticparadox,tooutterlymonstrousforsolution!
Atanangleoftheponderouswallfrownedamoreponderousgate.Itwasrivetedandstuddedwithironbolts,andsurmountedwithjaggedironspikes.Whatimpressionsofdeepawediditinspire!Itwasneveropenedsaveforthethreeperiodicalegressionsandingressionsalreadymentioned;then,ineverycreakofitsmightyhinges,wefoundaplenitudeofmystery——aworldofmatterforsolemnremark,orformoresolemnmeditation.
Theextensiveenclosurewasirregularinform,havingmanycapaciousrecesses.Ofthese,threeorfourofthelargestconstitutedtheplay-ground.Itwaslevel,andcoveredwithfinehardgravel.Iwellrememberithadnotrees,norbenches,noranythingsimilarwithinit.Ofcourseitwasintherearofthehouse.Infrontlayasmallparterre,plantedwithboxandothershrubs;butthroughthissacreddivisionwepassedonlyuponrareoccasionsindeed——suchasafirstadventtoschoolorfinaldeparturethence,orperhaps,whenaparentorfriendhavingcalledforus,wejoyfullytookourwayhomefortheChristmasorMidsummerholy-days.
Butthehouse!——howquaintanoldbuildingwasthis!——tomehowveritablyapalaceofenchantment!Therewasreallynoendtoitswindings——toitsincomprehensiblesubdivisions.Itwasdifficult,atanygiventime,tosaywithcertaintyuponwhichofitstwostoriesonehappenedtobe.Fromeachroomtoeveryotherthereweresuretobefoundthreeorfourstepseitherinascentordescent.Thenthelateralbrancheswereinnumerable——inconceivable——andsoreturninginuponthemselves,thatourmostexactideasinregardtothewholemansionwerenotveryfardifferentfromthosewithwhichwepondereduponinfinity.Duringthefiveyearsofmyresidencehere,Iwasneverabletoascertainwithprecision,inwhatremotelocalitylaythelittlesleepingapartmentassignedtomyselfandsomeeighteenortwentyotherscholars.
Theschool-roomwasthelargestinthehouse——Icouldnothelpthinking,intheworld.Itwasverylong,narrow,anddismallylow,withpointedGothicwindowsandaceilingofoak.Inaremoteandterror-inspiringanglewasasquareenclosureofeightortenfeet,comprisingthesanctum,"duringhours,"ofourprincipal,theReverendDr.Bransby.Itwasasolidstructure,withmassydoor,soonerthanopenwhichintheabsenceofthe"Dominic,"wewouldallhavewillinglyperishedbythepeineforteetdure.Inotheranglesweretwoothersimilarboxes,farlessreverenced,indeed,butstillgreatlymattersofawe.Oneofthesewasthepulpitofthe"classical"usher,oneofthe"Englishandmathematical."Interspersedabouttheroom,crossingandrecrossinginendlessirregularity,wereinnumerablebenchesanddesks,black,ancient,andtime-worn,pileddesperatelywithmuch-bethumbedbooks,andsobeseamedwithinitialletters,namesatfulllength,grotesquefigures,andothermultipliedeffortsoftheknife,astohaveentirelylostwhatlittleoforiginalformmighthavebeentheirportionindayslongdeparted.Ahugebucketwithwaterstoodatoneextremityoftheroom,andaclockofstupendousdimensionsattheother.
Encompassedbythemassywallsofthisvenerableacademy,Ipassed,yetnotintediumordisgust,theyearsofthethirdlustrumofmylife.Theteemingbrainofchildhoodrequiresnoexternalworldofincidenttooccupyoramuseit;andtheapparentlydismalmonotonyofaschoolwasrepletewithmoreintenseexcitementthanmyriperyouthhasderivedfromluxury,ormyfullmanhoodfromcrime.YetImustbelievethatmyfirstmentaldevelopmenthadinitmuchoftheuncommon——evenmuchoftheoutre.Uponmankindatlargetheeventsofveryearlyexistencerarelyleaveinmatureageanydefiniteimpression.Allisgrayshadow——aweakandirregularremembrance——anindistinctregatheringoffeeblepleasuresandphantasmagoricpains.Withmethisisnotso.InchildhoodImusthavefeltwiththeenergyofamanwhatInowfindstampeduponmemoryinlinesasvivid,asdeep,andasdurableastheexerguesoftheCarthaginianmedals.
Yetinfact——inthefactoftheworld'sview——howlittlewastheretoremember!Themorning'sawakening,thenightlysummonstobed;theconnings,therecitations;theperiodicalhalf-holidays,andperambulations;theplay-ground,withitsbroils,itspastimes,itsintrigues;——these,byamentalsorcerylongforgotten,weremadetoinvolveawildernessofsensation,aworldofrichincident,anuniverseofvariedemotion,ofexcitementthemostpassionateandspirit-stirring."Oh,lebontemps,quecesiecledefer!"
Intruth,theardor,theenthusiasm,andtheimperiousnessofmydisposition,soonrenderedmeamarkedcharacteramongmyschoolmates,andbyslow,butnaturalgradations,gavemeanascendancyoverallnotgreatlyolderthanmyself;——overallwithasingleexception.Thisexceptionwasfoundinthepersonofascholar,who,althoughnorelation,borethesameChristianandsurnameasmyself;——acircumstance,infact,littleremarkable;for,notwithstandinganobledescent,minewasoneofthoseeverydayappellationswhichseem,byprescriptiveright,tohavebeen,timeoutofmind,thecommonpropertyofthemob.InthisnarrativeIhavethereforedesignatedmyselfasWilliamWilson,——afictitioustitlenotverydissimilartothereal.Mynamesakealone,ofthosewhoinschoolphraseologyconstituted"ourset,"presumedtocompetewithmeinthestudiesoftheclass——inthesportsandbroilsoftheplay-ground——torefuseimplicitbeliefinmyassertions,andsubmissiontomywill——indeed,tointerferewithmyarbitrarydictationinanyrespectwhatsoever.Ifthereisonearthasupremeandunqualifieddespotism,itisthedespotismofamastermindinboyhoodoverthelessenergeticspiritsofitscompanions.
Wilson'srebellionwastomeasourceofthegreatestembarrassment;——themoresoas,inspiteofthebravadowithwhichinpublicImadeapointoftreatinghimandhispretensions,IsecretlyfeltthatIfearedhim,andcouldnothelpthinkingtheequalitywhichhemaintainedsoeasilywithmyself,aproofofhistruesuperiority;sincenottobeovercomecostmeaperpetualstruggle.Yetthissuperiority——eventhisequality——wasintruthacknowledgedbynoonebutmyself;ourassociates,bysomeunaccountableblindness,seemednoteventosuspectit.Indeed,hiscompetition,hisresistance,andespeciallyhisimpertinentanddoggedinterferencewithmypurposes,werenotmorepointedthanprivate.Heappearedtobedestitutealikeoftheambitionwhichurged,andofthepassionateenergyofmindwhichenabledmetoexcel.Inhisrivalryhemighthavebeensupposedactuatedsolelybyawhimsicaldesiretothwart,astonish,ormortifymyself;althoughthereweretimeswhenIcouldnothelpobserving,withafeelingmadeupofwonder,abasement,andpique,thathemingledwithhisinjuries,hisinsults,orhiscontradictions,acertainmostinappropriate,andassuredlymostunwelcomeaffectionatenessofmanner.Icouldonlyconceivethissingularbehaviortoarisefromaconsummateself-conceitassumingthevulgarairsofpatronageandprotection.
PerhapsitwasthislattertraitinWilson'sconduct,conjoinedwithouridentityofname,andthemereaccidentofourhavingenteredtheschooluponthesameday,whichsetafloatthenotionthatwewerebrothers,amongtheseniorclassesintheacademy.Thesedonotusuallyinquirewithmuchstrictnessintotheaffairsoftheirjuniors.Ihavebeforesaid,orshouldhavesaid,thatWilsonwasnot,inthemostremotedegree,connectedwithmyfamily.Butassuredlyifwehadbeenbrotherswemusthavebeentwins;for,afterleavingDr.Bransby's,IcasuallylearnedthatmynamesakewasbornonthenineteenthofJanuary,1813——andthisisasomewhatremarkablecoincidence;forthedayispreciselythatofmyownnativity.
ItmayseemstrangethatinspiteofthecontinualanxietyoccasionedmebytherivalryofWilson,andhisintolerablespiritofcontradiction,Icouldnotbringmyselftohatehimaltogether.Wehad,tobesure,nearlyeverydayaquarrelinwhich,yieldingmepubliclythepalmofvictory,he,insomemanner,contrivedtomakemefeelthatitwashewhohaddeservedit;yetasenseofprideonmypart,andaveritabledignityonhisown,keptusalwaysuponwhatarecalled"speakingterms,"whilethereweremanypointsofstrongcongenialityinourtempers,operatingtoawakemeinasentimentwhichourpositionalone,perhaps,preventedfromripeningintofriendship.Itisdifficult,indeed,todefine,oreventodescribe,myrealfeelingstowardshim.Theyformedamotleyandheterogeneousadmixture;——somepetulantanimosity,whichwasnotyethatred,someesteem,morerespect,muchfear,withaworldofuneasycuriosity.Tothemoralistitwillbeunnecessarytosay,inaddition,thatWilsonandmyselfwerethemostinseparableofcompanions.
Itwasnodoubttheanomalousstateofaffairsexistingbetweenus,whichturnedallmyattacksuponhim,(andtheyweremany,eitheropenorcovert)intothechannelofbanterorpracticaljoke(givingpainwhileassumingtheaspectofmerefun)ratherthanintoamoreseriousanddeterminedhostility.Butmyendeavoursonthisheadwerebynomeansuniformlysuccessful,evenwhenmyplanswerethemostwittilyconcocted;formynamesakehadmuchabouthim,incharacter,ofthatunassumingandquietausteritywhich,whileenjoyingthepoignancyofitsownjokes,hasnoheelofAchillesinitself,andabsolutelyrefusestobelaughedat.Icouldfind,indeed,butonevulnerablepoint,andthat,lyinginapersonalpeculiarity,arising,perhaps,fromconstitutionaldisease,wouldhavebeensparedbyanyantagonistlessathiswit'sendthanmyself;——myrivalhadaweaknessinthefaucalorgutturalorgans,whichprecludedhimfromraisinghisvoiceatanytimeaboveaverylowwhisper.OfthisdefectIdidnotfalltotakewhatpooradvantagelayinmypower.
Wilson'sretaliationsinkindweremany;andtherewasoneformofhispracticalwitthatdisturbedmebeyondmeasure.Howhissagacityfirstdiscoveredatallthatsopettyathingwouldvexme,isaquestionInevercouldsolve;but,havingdiscovered,hehabituallypractisedtheannoyance.Ihadalwaysfeltaversiontomyuncourtlypatronymic,anditsverycommon,ifnotplebeianpraenomen.Thewordswerevenominmyears;andwhen,uponthedayofmyarrival,asecondWilliamWilsoncamealsototheacademy,Ifeltangrywithhimforbearingthename,anddoublydisgustedwiththenamebecauseastrangerboreit,whowouldbethecauseofitstwofoldrepetition,whowouldbeconstantlyinmypresence,andwhoseconcerns,intheordinaryroutineoftheschoolbusiness,mustinevitably,onaccountofthedetestablecoincidence,beoftenconfoundedwithmyown.
Thefeelingofvexationthusengenderedgrewstrongerwitheverycircumstancetendingtoshowresemblance,moralorphysical,betweenmyrivalandmyself.Ihadnotthendiscoveredtheremarkablefactthatwewereofthesameage;butIsawthatwewereofthesameheight,andIperceivedthatwewereevensingularlyalikeingeneralcontourofpersonandoutlineoffeature.Iwasgalled,too,bytherumortouchingarelationship,whichhadgrowncurrentintheupperforms.Inaword,nothingcouldmoreseriouslydisturbme,althoughIscrupulouslyconcealedsuchdisturbance,)thananyallusiontoasimilarityofmind,person,orconditionexistingbetweenus.But,intruth,Ihadnoreasontobelievethat(withtheexceptionofthematterofrelationship,andinthecaseofWilsonhimself,)thissimilarityhadeverbeenmadeasubjectofcomment,orevenobservedatallbyourschoolfellows.Thatheobserveditinallitsbearings,andasfixedlyasI,wasapparent;butthathecoulddiscoverinsuchcircumstancessofruitfulafieldofannoyance,canonlybeattributed,asIsaidbefore,tohismorethanordinarypenetration.
Hiscue,whichwastoperfectanimitationofmyself,laybothinwordsandinactions;andmostadmirablydidheplayhispart.Mydressitwasaneasymattertocopy;mygaitandgeneralmannerwere,withoutdifficulty,appropriated;inspiteofhisconstitutionaldefect,evenmyvoicedidnotescapehim.Myloudertoneswere,ofcourse,unattempted,butthenthekey,itwasidentical;andhissingularwhisper,itgrewtheveryechoofmyown.
Howgreatlythismostexquisiteportraitureharassedme,(foritcouldnotjustlybetermedacaricature,)Iwillnotnowventuretodescribe.Ihadbutoneconsolation——inthefactthattheimitation,apparently,wasnoticedbymyselfalone,andthatIhadtoendureonlytheknowingandstrangelysarcasticsmilesofmynamesakehimself.Satisfiedwithhavingproducedinmybosomtheintendedeffect,heseemedtochuckleinsecretoverthestinghehadinflicted,andwascharacteristicallydisregardfulofthepublicapplausewhichthesuccessofhiswittyendeavoursmighthavesoeasilyelicited.Thattheschool,indeed,didnotfeelhisdesign,perceiveitsaccomplishment,andparticipateinhissneer,was,formanyanxiousmonths,ariddleIcouldnotresolve.Perhapsthegradationofhiscopyrendereditnotsoreadilyperceptible;or,morepossibly,Iowedmysecuritytothemasterairofthecopyist,who,disdainingtheletter,(whichinapaintingisalltheobtusecansee,)gavebutthefullspiritofhisoriginalformyindividualcontemplationandchagrin.
Ihavealreadymorethanoncespokenofthedisgustingairofpatronagewhichheassumedtowardme,andofhisfrequentofficiousinterferencewithymywill.Thisinterferenceoftentooktheungraciouscharacterofadvice;advicenotopenlygiven,buthintedorinsinuated.IreceiveditwitharepugnancewhichgainedstrengthasIgrewinyears.Yet,atthisdistantday,letmedohimthesimplejusticetoacknowledgethatIcanrecallnooccasionwhenthesuggestionsofmyrivalwereonthesideofthoseerrorsorfolliessousualtohisimmatureageandseeminginexperience;thathismoralsense,atleast,ifnothisgeneraltalentsandworldlywisdom,wasfarkeenerthanmyown;andthatImight,to-day,havebeenabetter,andthusahappierman,hadIlessfrequentlyrejectedthecounselsembodiedinthosemeaningwhisperswhichIthenbuttoocordiallyhatedandtoobitterlydespised.
Asitwas,Iatlengthgrewrestiveintheextremeunderhisdistastefulsupervision,anddailyresentedmoreandmoreopenlywhatIconsideredhisintolerablearrogance.Ihavesaidthat,inthefirstyearsofourconnexionasschoolmates,myfeelingsinregardtohimmighthavebeeneasilyripenedintofriendship:but,inthelattermonthsofmyresidenceattheacademy,althoughtheintrusionofhisordinarymannerhad,beyonddoubt,insomemeasure,abated,mysentiments,innearlysimilarproportion,partookverymuchofpositivehatred.Upononeoccasionhesawthis,Ithink,andafterwardsavoided,ormadeashowofavoidingme.
Itwasaboutthesameperiod,ifIrememberaright,that,inanaltercationofviolencewithhim,inwhichhewasmorethanusuallythrownoffhisguard,andspokeandactedwithanopennessofdemeanorratherforeigntohisnature,Idiscovered,orfanciedIdiscovered,inhisaccent,hisair,andgeneralappearance,asomethingwhichfirststartled,andthendeeplyinterestedme,bybringingtominddimvisionsofmyearliestinfancy——wild,confusedandthrongingmemoriesofatimewhenmemoryherselfwasyetunborn.IcannotbetterdescribethesensationwhichoppressedmethanbysayingthatIcouldwithdifficultyshakeoffthebeliefofmyhavingbeenacquaintedwiththebeingwhostoodbeforeme,atsomeepochverylongago——somepointofthepasteveninfinitelyremote.Thedelusion,however,fadedrapidlyasitcame;andImentionitatallbuttodefinethedayofthelastconversationIthereheldwithmysingularnamesake.
Thehugeoldhouse,withitscountlesssubdivisions,hadseverallargechamberscommunicatingwitheachother,wheresleptthegreaternumberofthestudents.Therewere,however,(asmustnecessarilyhappeninabuildingsoawkwardlyplanned,)manylittlenooksorrecesses,theoddsandendsofthestructure;andthesetheeconomicingenuityofDr.Bransbyhadalsofittedupasdormitories;although,beingthemerestclosets,theywerecapableofaccommodatingbutasingleindividual.OneofthesesmallapartmentswasoccupiedbyWilson.
Onenight,aboutthecloseofmyfifthyearattheschool,andimmediatelyafterthealtercationjustmentioned,findingeveryonewrappedinsleep,Iarosefrombed,and,lampinhand,stolethroughawildernessofnarrowpassagesfrommyownbedroomtothatofmyrival.Ihadlongbeenplottingoneofthoseill-naturedpiecesofpracticalwitathisexpenseinwhichIhadhithertobeensouniformlyunsuccessful.Itwasmyintention,now,toputmyschemeinoperation,andIresolvedtomakehimfeelthewholeextentofthemalicewithwhichIwasimbued.Havingreachedhiscloset,Inoiselesslyentered,leavingthelamp,withashadeoverit,ontheoutside.Iadvancedastep,andlistenedtothesoundofhistranquilbreathing.Assuredofhisbeingasleep,Ireturned,tookthelight,andwithitagainapproachedthebed.Closecurtainswerearoundit,which,intheprosecutionofmyplan,Islowlyandquietlywithdrew,whenthebrightraysfellvividlyuponthesleeper,andmyeyes,atthesamemoment,uponhiscountenance.Ilooked;——andanumbness,anicinessoffeelinginstantlypervadedmyframe.Mybreastheaved,mykneestottered,mywholespiritbecamepossessedwithanobjectlessyetintolerablehorror.Gaspingforbreath,Iloweredthelampinstillnearerproximitytotheface.Werethese——thesethelineamentsofWilliamWilson?Isaw,indeed,thattheywerehis,butIshookasifwithafitoftheagueinfancyingtheywerenot.Whatwasthereaboutthemtoconfoundmeinthismanner?Igazed;——whilemybrainreeledwithamultitudeofincoherentthoughts.Notthusheappeared——assuredlynotthus——inthevivacityofhiswakinghours.Thesamename!thesamecontourofperson!thesamedayofarrivalattheacademy!Andthenhisdoggedandmeaninglessimitationofmygait,myvoice,myhabits,andmymanner!Wasit,intruth,withintheboundsofhumanpossibility,thatwhatInowsawwastheresult,merely,ofthehabitualpracticeofthissarcasticimitation?Awe-stricken,andwithacreepingshudder,Iextinguishedthelamp,passedsilentlyfromthechamber,andleft,atonce,thehallsofthatoldacademy,nevertoenterthemagain.
Afteralapseofsomemonths,spentathomeinmereidleness,IfoundmyselfastudentatEton.ThebriefintervalhadbeensufficienttoenfeeblemyremembranceoftheeventsatDr.Bransby's,oratleasttoeffectamaterialchangeinthenatureofthefeelingswithwhichIrememberedthem.Thetruth——thetragedy——ofthedramawasnomore.Icouldnowfindroomtodoubttheevidenceofmysenses;andseldomcalledupthesubjectatallbutwithwonderatextentofhumancredulity,andasmileatthevividforceoftheimaginationwhichIhereditarilypossessed.NeitherwasthisspeciesofscepticismlikelytobediminishedbythecharacterofthelifeIledatEton.ThevortexofthoughtlessfollyintowhichItheresoimmediatelyandsorecklesslyplunged,washedawayallbutthefrothofmypasthours,engulfedatonceeverysolidorseriousimpression,andlefttomemoryonlytheveriestlevitiesofaformerexistence.
Idonotwish,however,totracethecourseofmymiserableprofligacyhere——aprofligacywhichsetatdefiancethelaws,whileiteludedthevigilanceoftheinstitution.Threeyearsoffolly,passedwithoutprofit,hadbutgivenmerootedhabitsofvice,andadded,inasomewhatunusualdegree,tomybodilystature,when,afteraweekofsoullessdissipation,Iinvitedasmallpartyofthemostdissolutestudentstoasecretcarousalinmychambers.Wemetatalatehourofthenight;forourdebaucheriesweretobefaithfullyprotracteduntilmorning.Thewineflowedfreely,andtherewerenotwantingotherandperhapsmoredangerousseductions;sothatthegraydawnhadalreadyfaintlyappearedintheeast,whileourdeliriousextravagancewasatitsheight.Madlyflushedwithcardsandintoxication,Iwasintheactofinsistinguponatoastofmorethanwontedprofanity,whenmyattentionwassuddenlydivertedbytheviolent,althoughpartialunclosingofthedooroftheapartment,andbytheeagervoiceofaservantfromwithout.Hesaidthatsomeperson,apparentlyingreathaste,demandedtospeakwithmeinthehall.
Wildlyexcitedwithwine,theunexpectedinterruptionratherdelightedthansurprisedme.Istaggeredforwardatonce,andafewstepsbroughtmetothevestibuleofthebuilding.Inthislowandsmallroomtherehungnolamp;andnownolightatallwasadmitted,savethatoftheexceedinglyfeebledawnwhichmadeitswaythroughthesemi-circularwindow.AsIputmyfootoverthethreshold,Ibecameawareofthefigureofayouthaboutmyownheight,andhabitedinawhitekerseymeremorningfrock,cutinthenovelfashionoftheoneImyselfworeatthemoment.Thisthefaintlightenabledmetoperceive;butthefeaturesofhisfaceIcouldnotdistinguish.Uponmyenteringhestrodehurriedlyuptome,and,seizingmeby.thearmwithagestureofpetulantimpatience,whisperedthewords"WilliamWilson!"inmyear.
Igrewperfectlysoberinaninstant.Therewasthatinthemannerofthestranger,andinthetremulousshakeofhisupliftedfinger,ashehelditbetweenmyeyesandthelight,whichfilledmewithunqualifiedamazement;butitwasnotthiswhichhadsoviolentlymovedme.Itwasthepregnancyofsolemnadmonitioninthesingular,low,hissingutterance;and,aboveall,itwasthecharacter,thetone,thekey,ofthosefew,simple,andfamiliar,yetwhisperedsyllables,whichcamewithathousandthrongingmemoriesofbygonedays,andstruckuponmysoulwiththeshockofagalvanicbattery.EreIcouldrecovertheuseofmysenseshewasgone.
Althoughthiseventfailednotofavivideffectuponmydisorderedimagination,yetwasitevanescentasvivid.Forsomeweeks,indeed,Ibusiedmyselfinearnestinquiry,orwaswrappedinacloudofmorbidspeculation.Ididnotpretendtodisguisefrommyperceptiontheidentityofthesingularindividualwhothusperseveringlyinterferedwithmyaffairs,andharassedmewithhisinsinuatedcounsel.ButwhoandwhatwasthisWilson?——andwhencecamehe?——andwhatwerehispurposes?UponneitherofthesepointscouldIbesatisfied;merelyascertaining,inregardtohim,thatasuddenaccidentinhisfamilyhadcausedhisremovalfromDr.Bransby'sacademyontheafternoonofthedayinwhichImyselfhadeloped.ButinabriefperiodIceasedtothinkuponthesubject;myattentionbeingallabsorbedinacontemplateddepartureforOxford.ThitherIsoonwent;theuncalculatingvanityofmyparentsfurnishingmewithanoutfitandannualestablishment,whichwouldenablemetoindulgeatwillintheluxuryalreadysodeartomyheart,——tovieinprofusenessofexpenditurewiththehaughtiestheirsofthewealthiestearldomsinGreatBritain.
Excitedbysuchappliancestovice,myconstitutionaltemperamentbrokeforthwithredoubledardor,andIspurnedeventhecommonrestraintsofdecencyinthemadinfatuationofmyrevels.Butitwereabsurdtopauseinthedetailofmyextravagance.Letitsuffice,thatamongspendthriftsIout-HerodedHerod,andthat,givingnametoamultitudeofnovelfollies,IaddednobriefappendixtothelongcatalogueofvicesthenusualinthemostdissoluteuniversityofEurope.
Itcouldhardlybecredited,however,thatIhad,evenhere,soutterlyfallenfromthegentlemanlyestate,astoseekacquaintancewiththevilestartsofthegamblerbyprofession,and,havingbecomeanadeptinhisdespicablescience,topractiseithabituallyasameansofincreasingmyalreadyenormousincomeattheexpenseoftheweak-mindedamongmyfellow-collegians.Such,nevertheless,wasthefact.Andtheveryenormityofthisoffenceagainstallmanlyandhonourablesentimentproved,beyonddoubt,themainifnotthesolereasonoftheimpunitywithwhichitwascommitted.Who,indeed,amongmymostabandonedassociates,wouldnotratherhavedisputedtheclearestevidenceofhissenses,thanhavesuspectedofsuchcourses,thegay,thefrank,thegenerousWilliamWilson——thenoblestandmostcommoneratOxford——himwhosefollies(saidhisparasites)werebutthefolliesofyouthandunbridledfancy——whoseerrorsbutinimitablewhim——whosedarkestvicebutacarelessanddashingextravagance?
Ihadbeennowtwoyearssuccessfullybusiedinthisway,whentherecametotheuniversityayoungparvenunobleman,Glendinning——rich,saidreport,asHerodesAtticus——hisriches,too,aseasilyacquired.Isoonfoundhimofweakintellect,and,ofcourse,markedhimasafittingsubjectformyskill.Ifrequentlyengagedhiminplay,andcontrived,withthegambler'susualart,tolethimwinconsiderablesums,themoreeffectuallytoentanglehiminmysnares.Atlength,myschemesbeingripe,Imethim(withthefullintentionthatthismeetingshouldbefinalanddecisive)atthechambersofafellow-commoner,(Mr.Preston,)equallyintimatewithboth,butwho,todohimJustice,entertainednotevenaremotesuspicionofmydesign.Togivetothisabettercolouring,Ihadcontrivedtohaveassembledapartyofsomeeightorten,andwassolicitouslycarefulthattheintroductionofcardsshouldappearaccidental,andoriginateintheproposalofmycontemplateddupehimself.Tobebriefuponaviletopic,noneofthelowfinessewasomitted,socustomaryuponsimilaroccasionsthatitisajustmatterforwonderhowanyarestillfoundsobesottedastofallitsvictim.
Wehadprotractedoursittingfarintothenight,andIhadatlengtheffectedthemanoeuvreofgettingGlendinningasmysoleantagonist.Thegame,too,wasmyfavoriteecarte!.Therestofthecompany,interestedintheextentofourplay,hadabandonedtheirowncards,andwerestandingaroundusasspectators.Theparvenu,whohadbeeninducedbymyartificesintheearlypartoftheevening,todrinkdeeply,nowshuffled,dealt,orplayed,withawildnervousnessofmannerforwhichhisintoxication,Ithought,mightpartially,butcouldnotaltogetheraccount.Inaveryshortperiodhehadbecomemydebtortoalargeamount,when,havingtakenalongdraughtofport,hedidpreciselywhatIhadbeencoollyanticipating——heproposedtodoubleouralreadyextravagantstakes.Withawell-feignedshowofreluctance,andnotuntilaftermyrepeatedrefusalhadseducedhimintosomeangrywordswhichgaveacolorofpiquetomycompliance,didIfinallycomply.Theresult,ofcourse,didbutprovehowentirelythepreywasinmytoils;inlessthananhourhehadquadrupledhisdebt.Forsometimehiscountenancehadbeenlosingthefloridtingelentitbythewine;butnow,tomyastonishment,Iperceivedthatithadgrowntoapallortrulyfearful.Isaytomyastonishment.Glendinninghadbeenrepresentedtomyeagerinquiriesasimmeasurablywealthy;andthesumswhichhehadasyetlost,althoughinthemselvesvast,couldnot,Isupposed,veryseriouslyannoy,muchlesssoviolentlyaffecthim.Thathewasovercomebythewinejustswallowed,wastheideawhichmostreadilypresenteditself;and,ratherwithaviewtothepreservationofmyowncharacterintheeyesofmyassociates,thanfromanylessinterestedmotive,Iwasabouttoinsist,peremptorily,uponadiscontinuanceoftheplay,whensomeexpressionsatmyelbowfromamongthecompany,andanejaculationevincingutterdespaironthepartofGlendinning,gavemetounderstandthatIhadeffectedhistotalruinundercircumstanceswhich,renderinghimanobjectforthepityofall,shouldhaveprotectedhimfromtheillofficesevenofafiend.
Whatnowmighthavebeenmyconductitisdifficulttosay.Thepitiableconditionofmydupehadthrownanairofembarrassedgloomoverall;and,forsomemoments,aprofoundsilencewasmaintained,duringwhichIcouldnothelpfeelingmycheekstinglewiththemanyburningglancesofscornorreproachcastuponmebythelessabandonedoftheparty.Iwillevenownthatanintolerableweightofanxietywasforabriefinstantliftedfrommybosombythesuddenandextraordinaryinterruptionwhichensued.Thewide,heavyfoldingdoorsoftheapartmentwereallatoncethrownopen,totheirfullextent,withavigorousandrushingimpetuositythatextinguished,asifbymagic,everycandleintheroom.Theirlight,indying,enabledusjusttoperceivethatastrangerhadentered,aboutmyownheight,andcloselymuffledinacloak.Thedarkness,however,wasnowtotal;andwecouldonlyfeelthathewasstandinginourmidst.Beforeanyoneofuscouldrecoverfromtheextremeastonishmentintowhichthisrudenesshadthrownall,weheardthevoiceoftheintruder.
"Gentlemen,"hesaid,inalow,distinct,andnever-to-be-forgottenwhisperwhichthrilledtotheverymarrowofmybones,"Gentlemen,Imakenoapologyforthisbehaviour,becauseinthusbehaving,Iambutfulfillingaduty.Youare,beyonddoubt,uninformedofthetruecharacterofthepersonwhohasto-nightwonatecartealargesumofmoneyfromLordGlendinning.Iwillthereforeputyouuponanexpeditiousanddecisiveplanofobtainingthisverynecessaryinformation.Pleasetoexamine,atyourleisure,theinnerliningsofthecuffofhisleftsleeve,andtheseverallittlepackageswhichmaybefoundinthesomewhatcapaciouspocketsofhisembroideredmorningwrapper."
Whilehespoke,soprofoundwasthestillnessthatonemighthaveheardapindropuponthefloor.Inceasing,hedepartedatonce,andasabruptlyashehadentered.CanI——shallIdescribemysensations?——mustIsaythatIfeltallthehorrorsofthedamned?MostassuredlyIhadlittletimegivenforreflection.Manyhandsroughlyseizedmeuponthespot,andlightswereimmediatelyreprocured.Asearchensued.Intheliningofmysleevewerefoundallthecourtcardsessentialinecarte,and,inthepocketsofmywrapper,anumberofpacks,facsimilesofthoseusedatoursittings,withthesingleexceptionthatminewereofthespeciescalled,technically,arrondees;thehonoursbeingslightlyconvexattheends,thelowercardsslightlyconvexatthesides.Inthisdisposition,thedupewhocuts,ascustomary,atthelengthofthepack,willinvariablyfindthathecutshisantagonistanhonor;whilethegambler,cuttingatthebreadth,will,ascertainly,cutnothingforhisvictimwhichmaycountintherecordsofthegame.
Anyburstofindignationuponthisdiscoverywouldhaveaffectedmelessthanthesilentcontempt,orthesarcasticcomposure,withwhichitwasreceived.
"Mr.Wilson,"saidourhost,stoopingtoremovefrombeneathhisfeetanexceedinglyluxuriouscloakofrarefurs,"Mr.Wilson,thisisyourproperty."(Theweatherwascold;and,uponquittingmyownroom,Ihadthrownacloakovermydressingwrapper,puttingitoffuponreachingthesceneofplay.)"Ipresumeitissupererogatorytoseekhere(eyeingthefoldsofthegarmentwithabittersmile)foranyfartherevidenceofyourskill.Indeed,wehavehadenough.Youwillseethenecessity,Ihope,ofquittingOxford——atallevents,ofquittinginstantlymychambers."
Abased,humbledtothedustasIthenwas,itisprobablethatIshouldhaveresentedthisgallinglanguagebyimmediatepersonalviolence,hadnotmywholeattentionbeenatthemomentarrestedbyafactofthemoststartlingcharacter.ThecloakwhichIhadwornwasofararedescriptionoffur;howrare,howextravagantlycostly,Ishallnotventuretosay.Itsfashion,too,wasofmyownfantasticinvention;forIwasfastidioustoanabsurddegreeofcoxcombry,inmattersofthisfrivolousnature.When,therefore,Mr.Prestonreachedmethatwhichhehadpickedupuponthefloor,andnearthefoldingdoorsoftheapartment,itwaswithanastonishmentnearlyborderinguponterror,thatIperceivedmyownalreadyhangingonmyarm,(whereIhadnodoubtunwittinglyplacedit,)andthattheonepresentedmewasbutitsexactcounterpartinevery,ineventheminutestpossibleparticular.Thesingularbeingwhohadsodisastrouslyexposedme,hadbeenmuffled,Iremembered,inacloak;andnonehadbeenwornatallbyanyofthemembersofourpartywiththeexceptionofmyself.Retainingsomepresenceofmind,ItooktheoneofferedmebyPreston;placedit,unnoticed,overmyown;lefttheapartmentwitharesolutescowlofdefiance;and,nextmorningeredawnofday,commencedahurriedjourneyfromOxfordtothecontinent,inaperfectagonyofhorrorandofshame.
Ifledinvain.Myevildestinypursuedmeasifinexultation,andproved,indeed,thattheexerciseofitsmysteriousdominionhadasyetonlybegun.ScarcelyhadIsetfootinParisereIhadfreshevidenceofthedetestableinteresttakenbythisWilsoninmyconcerns.Yearsflew,whileIexperiencednorelief.Villain!——atRome,withhowuntimely,yetwithhowspectralanofficiousness,steppedheinbetweenmeandmyambition!AtVienna,too——atBerlin——andatMoscow!Where,intruth,hadInotbittercausetocursehimwithinmyheart?FromhisinscrutabletyrannydidIatlengthflee,panic-stricken,asfromapestilence;andtotheveryendsoftheearthIfledinvain.
Andagain,andagain,insecretcommunionwithmyownspirit,wouldIdemandthequestions"Whoishe?——whencecamehe?——andwhatarehisobjects?"Butnoanswerwastherefound.AndthenIscrutinized,withaminutescrutiny,theforms,andthemethods,andtheleadingtraitsofhisimpertinentsupervision.Butevenheretherewasverylittleuponwhichtobaseaconjecture.Itwasnoticeable,indeed,that,innooneofthemultipliedinstancesinwhichhehadoflatecrossedmypath,hadhesocrosseditexcepttofrustratethoseschemes,ortodisturbthoseactions,which,iffullycarriedout,mighthaveresultedinbittermischief.Poorjustificationthis,intruth,foranauthoritysoimperiouslyassumed!Poorindemnityfornaturalrightsofself-agencysopertinaciously,soinsultinglydenied!
Ihadalsobeenforcedtonoticethatmytormentor,foraverylongperiodoftime,(whilescrupulouslyandwithmiraculousdexteritymaintaininghiswhimofanidentityofapparelwithmyself,)hadsocontrivedit,intheexecutionofhisvariedinterferencewithmywill,thatIsawnot,atanymoment,thefeaturesofhisface.BeWilsonwhathemight,this,atleast,wasbuttheveriestofaffectation,oroffolly.Couldhe,foraninstant,havesupposedthat,inmyadmonisheratEton——inthedestroyerofmyhonoratOxford,——inhimwhothwartedmyambitionatRome,myrevengeatParis,mypassionateloveatNaples,orwhathefalselytermedmyavariceinEgypt,——thatinthis,myarch-enemyandevilgenius,couldfalltorecognisetheWilliamWilsonofmyschoolboydays,——thenamesake,thecompanion,therival,——thehatedanddreadedrivalatDr.Bransby's?Impossible!——Butletmehastentothelasteventfulsceneofthedrama.
ThusfarIhadsuccumbedsupinelytothisimperiousdomination.ThesentimentofdeepawewithwhichIhabituallyregardedtheelevatedcharacter,themajesticwisdom,theapparentomnipresenceandomnipotenceofWilson,addedtoafeelingofeventerror,withwhichcertainothertraitsinhisnatureandassumptionsinspiredme,hadoperated,hitherto,toimpressmewithanideaofmyownutterweaknessandhelplessness,andtosuggestanimplicit,althoughbitterlyreluctantsubmissiontohisarbitrarywill.But,oflatedays,Ihadgivenmyselfupentirelytowine;anditsmaddeninginfluenceuponmyhereditarytemperrenderedmemoreandmoreimpatientofcontrol.Ibegantomurmur,——tohesitate,——toresist.Andwasitonlyfancywhichinducedmetobelievethat,withtheincreaseofmyownfirmness,thatofmytormentorunderwentaproportionaldiminution?Bethisasitmay,Inowbegantofeeltheinspirationofaburninghope,andatlengthnurturedinmysecretthoughtsasternanddesperateresolutionthatIwouldsubmitnolongertobeenslaved.
ItwasatRome,duringtheCarnivalof18——,thatIattendedamasqueradeinthepalazzooftheNeapolitanDukeDiBroglio.Ihadindulgedmorefreelythanusualintheexcessesofthewine-table;andnowthesuffocatingatmosphereofthecrowdedroomsirritatedmebeyondendurance.Thedifficulty,too,offorcingmywaythroughthemazesofthecompanycontributednotalittletotherufflingofmytemper;forIwasanxiouslyseeking,(letmenotsaywithwhatunworthymotive)theyoung,thegay,thebeautifulwifeoftheagedanddotingDiBroglio.Withatoounscrupulousconfidenceshehadpreviouslycommunicatedtomethesecretofthecostumeinwhichshewouldbehabited,andnow,havingcaughtaglimpseofherperson,Iwashurryingtomakemywayintoherpresence——AtthismomentIfeltalighthandplaceduponmyshoulder,andthatever-remembered,low,damnablewhisperwithinmyear.
Inanabsolutephrenzyofwrath,Iturnedatonceuponhimwhohadthusinterruptedme,andseizedhimviolentlybytilecollar.Hewasattired,asIhadexpected,inacostumealtogethersimilartomyown;wearingaSpanishcloakofbluevelvet,begirtaboutthewaistwithacrimsonbeltsustainingarapier.Amaskofblacksilkentirelycoveredhisface.
"Scoundrel!"Isaid,inavoicehuskywithrage,whileeverysyllableIutteredseemedasnewfueltomyfury,"scoundrel!impostor!accursedvillain!youshallnot——youshallnotdogmeuntodeath!Followme,orIstabyouwhereyoustand!"——andIbrokemywayfromtheball-roomintoasmallante-chamberadjoining——dragginghimunresistinglywithmeasIwent.
Uponentering,Ithrusthimfuriouslyfromme.Hestaggeredagainstthewall,whileIclosedthedoorwithanoath,andcommandedhimtodraw.Hehesitatedbutforaninstant;then,withaslightsigh,drewinsilence,andputhimselfuponhisdefence.
Thecontestwasbriefindeed.Iwasfranticwitheveryspeciesofwildexcitement,andfeltwithinmysinglearmtheenergyandpowerofamultitude.InafewsecondsIforcedhimbysheerstrengthagainstthewainscoting,andthus,gettinghimatmercy,plungedmysword,withbruteferocity,repeatedlythroughandthroughhisbosom.
Atthatinstantsomepersontriedthelatchofthedoor.Ihastenedtopreventanintrusion,andthenimmediatelyreturnedtomydyingantagonist.Butwhathumanlanguagecanadequatelyportraythatastonishment,thathorrorwhichpossessedmeatthespectaclethenpresentedtoview?ThebriefmomentinwhichIavertedmyeyeshadbeensufficienttoproduce,apparently,amaterialchangeinthearrangementsattheupperorfartherendoftheroom.Alargemirror,——soatfirstitseemedtomeinmyconfusion——nowstoodwherenonehadbeenperceptiblebefore;and,asIsteppeduptoitinextremityofterror,mineownimage,butwithfeaturesallpaleanddabbledinblood,advancedtomeetmewithafeebleandtotteringgait.
Thusitappeared,Isay,butwasnot.Itwasmyantagonist——itwasWilson,whothenstoodbeforemeintheagoniesofhisdissolution.Hismaskandcloaklay,wherehehadthrownthem,uponthefloor.Notathreadinallhisraiment——notalineinallthemarkedandsingularlineamentsofhisfacewhichwasnot,eveninthemostabsoluteidentity,mineown!
ItwasWilson;buthespokenolongerinawhisper,andIcouldhavefanciedthatImyselfwasspeakingwhilehesaid:
"Youhaveconquered,andIyield.Yet,henceforwardartthoualsodead——deadtotheWorld,toHeavenandtoHope!Inmedidstthouexist——and,inmydeath,seebythisimage,whichisthineown,howutterlythouhastmurderedthyself."
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